“As long as you live under my ocean, you'll obey my rules! You belong to me.”
In Disney’s Little Mermaid, Ariel gave up her voice for the possibility of love.
As a child, I gave up my authentic voice to feel safe. I wonder if you did too.
The Intuitive Writer by Lisa Parkes is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
Whenever I told the truth or expressed my authentic emotions, and I wasn’t following my parents’ narrative, the consequences were severe. I lived in fear of being punished. Alone and terrified, I would temporarily lose the relationship with my parents until things returned to ‘normal’ and we all pretended it never happened.
The bond between a parent and a child is what we call love.
Parents who misuse their power and cruelly punish, physically hurt or give the silent treatment and call it love are misinformed, and also in denial about their own childhood trauma. This is how the pain is passed on.
For years, I believed the lies:
If I stayed small, quiet and was a good girl, love would come.
If I sacrificed who I was in the name of love, everybody would be happy.
If I did as I was told, all would be well.
All was far from well. It was actually very sick. In relationships as an adult, I would rather be the one hurting. Except I wasn’t inflicting pain on anybody by having a different opinion.
Dysfunctional families and narcissistic parents cannot bear any type of individuation (or self-differentiation). They thrive on enmeshment.
“Enmeshment creates almost total dependence on approval and validation from outside yourself. Lovers, bosses, friends, even strangers become the stand-in for parents. Adults who were raised in families where there was no permission to be an individual frequently become approval junkies, constantly seeking their next fix.” - Susan Forward, author of Toxic Parents
Then I got into therapy, and discovered I was enmeshed with my mother. So, how I was treated as a child drove my behaviour as an adult.
As a child I received the message that other people were more important than me.
I internalised the false beliefs that:
To be me and to have a voice was dangerous.This is a lie. The adults around me were dangerous (unsafe and dysregulated) and unwilling to be accountable for their behaviour. They shamed me for expressing anger at their mistreatment, speaking up for myself (talking back) and having a voice. Just like their parents did to them.
I was safe (loved) when I was obedient.This is a lie.The adults around me were conditional with their love because they were full of fear and shame, which wasn’t love at all, but control.
I’m only lovable when I suppress my thoughts, feelings, needs and wants.This is a lie. The adults around me were uncomfortable when I showed up as the unhealed parts of them that were too painful for them to look at.
I’m only safe when I don’t make a fuss. This is a lie.The adults around me were unable to meet my emotional needs because their emotional needs took priority over mine. They expected me fill in the gaps where their parents had failed them. They taught me that I have no right to speak up for myself and protect myself from other people’s sh1tty behaviour. This left me vulnerable to more abusive relationships in my adult life.
In my book, Stuck Between Two Worlds, our ten-year-old highly sensitive protagonist, Ruby Wildheart, is the frozen, suppressed voice of my inner child who bravely tells her story of growing up as as a highly sensitive soul in a home riddled with unhealed trauma.
“Living in the Hologram House was a mental assault course and there was no training programme. Some days you did it blindfolded or with your fingers crossed behind your back hoping somehow you would make it through the day without getting into trouble.
Feeling secure and reassured about what was supposed to happen was a rare treat. There was a routine and homes for things, but it was mostly a crazy topsy-turvy whirlwind that swept you up and spat you out. Even a mega observant Wildheart like me with super detective skills couldn’t predict or stop the monumental levels of emotional chaos.“
The lack of emotional safety kept Ruby spinning in a whirlpool of fear, and perpetual confusion and the only way to survive was to tune out from her experience. It wasn’t safe to see her parents in this way, so she blamed herself. This is the freeze trauma response, and can often show up with a fawn response (people pleasing).
As adults who have not yet been to therapy, we’re likely to lose ourselves in relationships and shy away from conflict. It’s almost like we merge with the other person for safety. It’s not our fault, but we’ve been modelled that through the enmeshment. Our work is therapy is getting to know ourselves and creating a strong and separate identity, so we can draw boundaries and use our voice to communicate them to the other person.
“On some days you could snack before dinner was ready, on other days you would be sent to your room. On some days you could watch television or read all day, and nobody would even ask where you were. On other days you were lazy and not doing enough to get the jobs done. Right was left. Left was right. On Tuesday, the sky was green and the grass was blue. By Friday, it had all changed—the sky was blue and the grass was green. “
The threat of violence, both emotional and physical was always looming in the background like a big black storm cloud. There was no emotional safety. Nobody to protect Ruby from the madness. There was nowhere to rest in love. Ruby was exhausted from trying harder and harder to get it right but she could not because the goal posts were continually being shifted.
‘You stupid child! Why can’t you just listen and do as you are told?’
SMACK. SMACK. SMACK.
‘You’re really testing my patience.’
SLAP. SLAP. SLAP.
‘How many times do I have to tell you? Don’t make me come upstairs and find it for you.’ “
Face the painful truth. There was no love. It was a lie. I’m sorry, I know it hurts so much.
Re-write your own script for what love is. That is why I write. This is how I found my voice. Find out how I can help you with this here.
Then go love yourself really hard. Just like you love everybody else.
2 - You must individuate from your parents.
Become your own person. Find your edges (boundaries). Separate yourself from their beliefs and view points.
Stop looking for their approval. You might never get it. Approve of yourself.
Discover who you really are. Have an opinion. Stop saying ‘I don’t know.’ Find out what you like and don’t like. Fearlessly explore the world like the curious child you were not allowed to be.
3 - You must reconnect with your body.
Many of us - myself include - like Ariel had the connection between our throat chakra (voice) and our solar plexus chakra (personal power and will) cut, but this does not serve us as adults. We are terrified that if we say what is on our minds or in our hearts, we will be abandoned. This was true when we were children, but as adults the harsh reality is that we are now abandoning ourselves.
Slowly find ways to be in your body. I discovered yoga, walking, dancing, and journaling helped me get back into my body via the relentless chatter of my mind. I made these journals to help with this.
Learn how your emotions are the way back home. Don’t fear them, don’t neglect them. Pay attention to them - all of them and let them guide you. Be as present as possible. Stop the doom scroll. Get outside and live in the real world. My Emotional First Aid Kit will help you with practical ways to stay connected to your body.
4 - You must do the opposite of your protective patterns
You’ve been taught to abandon yourself. Start putting yourself first. Start saying yes to yourself. Where do you deny and deprive yourself comfort, safety and love?
Start setting boundaries with yourself around behaviours that are hurting you. For me this was over eating and restricting food, over giving, over functioning (working too hard), criticism, and not allowing myself to have fun.
Face your fear of losing people. It’s better to lose them than lose yourself. Stop abandoning yourself. Who are they anyway if they insist you being a certain way for them?
Listen to your inner voice.
Open the door to what is waiting to be known.
You cannot heal unless you bring your past into the light and into your awareness.
It’s incredibly healing to see ourselves reflected in films, songs, paintings, poems and in the stories of others. It holds up a mirror to what is buried in the unconscious. It creates breathing space between our lived experience and the pain inside just big enough and long enough to heal.
It’s in facing the truth and slowly peeling back the layers of denial that we are free!
Do you know how powerful you are?
I want you to know how powerful your words are. Your voice is a powerful tool.
Your words were a threat to this family system that was built on lies. You were exposing the truth, and that would destroy the matrix that was set up to protect your parents from looking at their pain.
You have so much courage. You survived it all. Every last piece of mindf*ckery and bullying.
Your reality was shaped by the adults around you who were severely traumatised, emotionally dysregulated and delusional. When you were totally depleted from trying harder and harder to win their love (find safety), you checked out from your little body.
It’s an impossible game: to make a child responsible for healing an adult’s trauma. It was never your job and it wasn’t your fault. Not everybody will use your words against you now that you’re an adult.
Some people will learn from your words, and find comfort in them. There are so many wordsmiths here on Substack bravely sharing their stories and that is sending a ripple of healing out in to the world. I love it here!
Words you spoke were taken out of context, twisted and used against you at a later date. This was what made me doubt myself because I couldn’t be sure of what I said or what had happened. Nobody noticed the lengths you went to, to try and get it right. Nobody noticed how much time and effort you made when you’d rather have been playing or having fun. Nobody knew that you frequently gazed into the night-time sky wishing on the twinkliest of stars that you could opt out of, or at least have a break from, the mental assault course that you had no recollection of signing up for.
I self-published my book, Stuck Between Two Worlds on Amazon and if your inner child is ready to be seen and validated, I invite you to dive right in and visit the beautiful Wilderness with Ruby and her wild heart friends.
I also hope this post inspires you to break your pattern, and share your words here with us. I’d love that. You’re welcome here. Don’t hide away. You’re safe now.
Let your beautiful light shine into all the dark corners of the internet. The world needs more light, your light.
Love
The Intuitive Writer by Lisa Parkes is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
You spoke to my heart Lisa! There is a lot of profound goodness that you share. Ariel was one of my favorite characters growing up (partly because she had red hair like me!). I can relate to much of what you're saying about finding your authentic voice. This is something I've struggled with over the years and it has caused me lots of anxiety. There are many forces that work against us in society, like that obedience that you mentioned. We begin to think if we don't question things or stay quiet, we will be safer. I could write a novel back to what you said! Just know it all resonates. Your book sounds empowering and healing too.
You spoke to my heart Lisa! There is a lot of profound goodness that you share. Ariel was one of my favorite characters growing up (partly because she had red hair like me!). I can relate to much of what you're saying about finding your authentic voice. This is something I've struggled with over the years and it has caused me lots of anxiety. There are many forces that work against us in society, like that obedience that you mentioned. We begin to think if we don't question things or stay quiet, we will be safer. I could write a novel back to what you said! Just know it all resonates. Your book sounds empowering and healing too.