4 instant self-esteem boosters for tricky days
when everything is going to sh!t and you've lost the faith
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I recently started a new job as a part-time Learning Support Assistant at my local college. My kind and thoughtful little sister sent me this card. I was excited and also a tad nervous. My body was still weary, and my heart heavy from the constant and unexpected changes. Like tidal waves, they relentlessly swept over me as I was left gasping for air. It was the death of everything that was familiar, and the start of something brand new. I had no choice but to face the dark, murky waters of the unknown. Thankfully I’m a strong swimmer, and not a stranger to change. I held on, and this week, I seem to finally have reached a calmer place where I’m now treading water.
It’s easy to forget that grief is part of change and that's why so many of us are fearful and avoidant of it. Safe in our comfort zones, we get stuck and stagnate without realising that life is passing us by. Or rather that life is missing out on the magic that we could bring to the party. Yes! I am talking about you and your magic!
In the last six months, my life has became unrecognisable, and it turned out, so was my local college - the same one I went to thirty two years ago to study A-Level French, German and Communication Studies (part media and part psychology). The college has been transformed into a technical and vocational college for neurodiverse young people who are better placed here (and have often been failed by the sausage machine that is our ridiculously out of date education system), where their unique strengths and qualities are celebrated and encouraged.
“Good self esteem helps you know that every part of you is worth taking care of and protecting.”
Let it be said that if you follow the road less travelled in life, you will gain huge amounts of experience and confidence which you cannot learn in books or classrooms. You will also get things wrong, but isn’t this how we learn best of all?
Without the right support, you may also struggle to recognise that you’re a valuable and wonderful human, who has something important to contribute to the world. If nobody ever told you that who you are is exactly who you are meant to be, then hear me now!
That was me!
I didn’t pass. I didn’t go to University. I didn’t know I had choices.
So, I ventured off to the South of France to be an au-pair where I found myself taking care of two beautiful girls: Justine, (3 years), Juliette (4 months), and their cute Yorkshire terrier, Felix.
Who knows what path my life would have taken if I had gone to University? What I do know is at fifty, I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. I’m also certain that I wouldn’t change a thing. I am now a multi-passionate entrepreneur with many income streams to support my dream of being writer. If you’re curious, you can check out some of those here and here.
Back to the present day. On my first day at college, I showed up with my packed lunch and went straight to HR to present my paperwork - proof of ID, DBS check and coaching qualifications.
[As this post is about bigging up wobbly self-esteem (no shame, I have it too as do most people healing from childhood trauma), I’m proud to share that I got a *Distinction* for my Life Coaching Diploma and *Merit* for my Child Coaching Diploma. I’m a committed student who loves to learn when it’s something that lights me up.]
I was greeted by the lovely Nicky who said: ‘Now, Lisa, I do believe we’ve met before! I saw your name on the system and thought, I know this lady.’
Immediately, my mind went straight to catastrophising: ‘Oh God! Another parent I’ve pissed off!’ Maybe it was because I was in a school setting, or maybe I still live in fear of getting told off. That’s pretty standard if you endured a horrible teacher, or had strict, punitive parents. That’s why when I used to work with families, I made sure that punishments and rewards were off the menu.
Nicky smiled. ‘When I worked for Surrey County Council, you gave this brilliant training one weekend, and it stayed with me. You really got what it was like to be a practitioner.’
I blushed, and let out huge sigh of relief. ‘Oh yes, I remember that day. I had so much fun working with you all.’
It was the truth. I had spent the day teaching creative coaching and therapeutic activities to help child care practitioners build rapport with children who struggled with self-esteem and relationships.
Then Nicky said the nicest thing: ‘We’re so lucky to have you!’
You see, low self-esteem impacts every area of your life.
It isn’t just about negative self-talk or battling self-doubt. It can also be not being able to set boundaries, poor body image, lack of assertiveness or confident communication skills, or unhealthy relationships where the balance of power is off. It impacts the job you choose, how you dress, how you walk and hold your body, the way you see the world and your place in it.
For me it’s currently showing up as not giving myself permission to enjoy your life and have fun. I’m that classic parentified, eldest child who is overly responsible and works herself to exhaustion. Can you relate?
I wish I had thanked the lovely Nicky from HR because in a heart beat, her smiley greeting and kind words made me feel validated, seen and appreciated. Of course, I have ways I can do that for myself, but in that moment, it was exactly what I needed to hear. It made my first week in my new job less overwhelming and more enjoyable.
✨ 4 Instant Self-Esteem Boosters
I’m going to share four of the tools I regularly use to approve, appreciate, acknowledge and encourage myself when I’ve forgotten who I am and I’m spiralling into shame, self-blame or guilt. Which one will you use today, to start building your self-esteem?
✨ 1 - Press PAUSE on social media
I’m six weeks into my social media break, and it feels so good. I mean really good. An indescribable freedom from a toxic soup that fries my brain and discombobulates my being. It’s like I forget who I am. Next to other people’s lives, I see my flaws and weaknesses under a microscope.
‘Social media is not just an activity; it governs how people interact with each other and shapes their perceptions of reality. The dark side of social media is that, within seconds, anything can be blown out of proportion and taken out of context.’
You gotta STOP seeking yourself in other people online. Live your life. Work out who you are and what you want. Get quiet. Find yourself again. Return to centre. My monthly journal prompts will help you with that.
Just unplug. Remove temptation and take the fricking nasty little apps off your phone. Instead of getting lost in the doom scroll - comparing and spiraling into not good enough-ness, I’m spending my time doing something that’s more nourishing for my soul.
✨ 2 - The Well Done Game
This is something I learned from Journey to Wellness and that I teach all my clients, because even though it may seem a little silly at first, it is one of the most powerful ways to build your self-esteem. Our brain might tell us that something so simple is not big enough to combat those deep, dark, rock bottom feelings that take you under when you think you’re failing or you’ve forgotten how brilliant you are.
As it goes, our brain lies to us a lot because it is wired for danger and all it cares about is if something is safe or interesting. So it’s on us to train our brain to do life differently.
I started off by saying ‘Well Done’ after making my bed, cleaning my teeth, getting dressed, emptying the dishwasher, paying my bills, and every little thing I did to take care of myself. Then I started saying it out loud when things didn’t go right. ‘You tried and I’m proud of you, well done!’
Lots of clients find it triggering at first, but gradually over time, our younger selves start to trust that we will be there for them and catch them when they fell. In the end, you learn that at last there is somebody you can consistently rely on - it’s you!
✨ 3 - Feel Good Folder
What was it Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman? ‘People put your down, you start to believe it. Sometimes the bad stuff is easier to believe.’
It’s a work in progress for me to accept compliments and kindness which can often leave me teary. Since I have joined the real world again, and crawled out from my hermitting-hidey-blanket-fortress, I’ve had so much positive feedback from customers and staff at the gift shop. I’m typing this out because sometimes it’s really hard for me to hear it, let it in and believe it.
To remind me, I have a folder on my laptop with all the lovely things clients and readers of my first book, Stuck Between Two Worlds, have told me. I’ll be adding the lovely Nicky from HR this week, who reminded me of what I had forgotten.
When I’ve forgotten (read: triggered into a younger version of myself) that I’m a good and capable person (and not the lies I was told about myself growing up), I turn to the most reliable source. Yep. It’s the kids that I coached with for over a decade before I started working with highly sensitive women who have been raised in insensitive (often abusive and neglectful) environments.
I read through their letters, emails and remember how lucky I was to meet them. Their pure and gentle hearts made it an honour and a privilege to get to know them and support them.
"Thank you! You’ve helped me Smiley. Whenever I hear your voice I feel so safe! I feel like this course has helped me be more aware of who is a real friend and who I want to play with."
‘I love it that I can be truthful in class, and not feel ashamed.’
‘Heya Lisa I hope you are doing well, I was thinking about you recently - you often come up in our household in many conversations just how awesome you are! :) I just really felt the urge to reach out. I recently got a new tattoo which has lots of meaning to me but part of it is the quote I gave you as a present. It was a small sign that said when it rains look for rainbows when it’s dark look for stars. I just wanted you to know you made such a profound deep impact on my teenage years and I really wouldn’t be in such a positive place if it wasn’t for you- and of course my mum for finding you.’
✨ 4 - Talking to my younger self
Much of my 1:1 coaching work nowadays is centred around reconnecting and getting to know the inner chid who lives inside each and every one of us. Often, and especially during times of change, she needs reassurance, because she carries the pain, shame and guilt of not feeling good enough. This was not her fault.
I’m aware of my inner child’s presence when I start trying to do everything perfectly, making myself wrong or comparing myself to others. When she appears, I’m ready with lots of empathy, self-compassion, self-acceptance and self-soothing techniques to help her feel reassured again.
‘Perfectionism is the defense for emotionally abandoned children. The existential unattainability of perfection saves the child from giving up, unless or until, scant success forces him to retreat into the depression of a dissociative disorder, or launches him hyperactively into an incipient conduct disorder. Perfectionism also provides a sense of meaning and direction for the powerless and unsupported child. In the guise of self-control, striving to be perfect offers a simulacrum of a sense of control.’
- Pete Walker, author of C-PTSD from Surviving to Thriving
When I ignore my inner child, she feels worse. She spirals into shame that makes her want to hide away. Of course. This is not how we respond to other people we love when they are feeling bad, but it may have been how we were responded to by the influential adults responded to us growing up, and now that’s how we treat ourselves.
Returning to college brought up so much grief as I acknowledged how far I had come with my healing, but also how much I missed out on, and how much more exciting and enriching my learning experience could have been if the support had been there.
You know when you’re healing because as you acknowledge the truth of what happened to you, the tears come, and they wash it all away. There is no healing without grief.
Now it’s over to you …
”The quality of your life is determined by how you spend your time. Make sure your schedule reflects the life you want.”
I’d love to her about how you like to pick yourself up on those days when you’ve forgotten who you really are or your inner critic is being a total b1tch. Share in the space below.
Often on this journey to better self-esteem, it helps to have somebody who can spot the negative beliefs or things that are holding you back from loving and appreciating yourself. I’m here to help you with that. If you want to explore that with me, I have something new to share with you.
This is My Life Audit - Limited Spots Available
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I loved this post Lisa :) Lately I have been listening to self worth affirmations every morning with my coffee. I just listened to one now :) It's been really helping counter the negative self talk. Loved all your tips. I also have a Compliments Vault where I keep compliments. I still struggle to really receive and accept compliments though...something I'm still working on. Wishing you fufilment with your new role at the University :)
I am so glad you are on Substack. I keep a folder of special photos on my phone to look at when I am sad.