Stepping into self-worth. How to value yourself as a sensitive soul
Stop choosing what isn’t choosing you. Sounds easy but my God it is NOT when your nervous system doesn’t feel safe enough. Audio and 20 journal prompts for self-reflection.
I was in the middle of my workout, jumping up and down like a happy bean in front of the TV, when a voice in my head said:
“You don’t want to be loved the way they loved you…”
Woooah! Right there, I finally got it. It all made sense! Of course, I don’t want to be loved the way they loved me because…
Being ‘loved’ that way required me to:
Invalidate my feelings
Silence my voice
Ignore my needs
Go along to get along
Compete in the hope that I would be chosen
Not have a mind of my own
Perform, pretend and lie
Earn love for treats ( I am not a dog), gifts and money
Earn love by being ‘good’ (whatever that means?!…obedient)
Be perfect (errm, that’s impossible - don’t ever try it!)
Love is NOT transactional, it’s not fear-based and it certainly doesn’t require me to sensor myself in any way. If anything, love gently asks me to be myself. Love feels safe and I feel peaceful in my body, knowing I don’t have to do anything in order to be loved.
Recently, I’ve noticed that I’m exhausted from chasing.
Chasing people, chasing dreams and chasing situationships where it’s not on me to put things right. Who knew that I am NOT responsible for everthing and everybody. Phew, what a relief. Neither are you!
After my workout, I sat down with some cards and started to story tell. I wanted to unravel and get to the root cause of what therapists call, codependency. To you and I, we know we’re codependent when we feel frustrated, exhausted, invisible and resentful because we’ve been over giving and left ourselves at the bottom of the pile.
Codependency is a trauma response. It’s called fawning.
It’s the fourth one after FIGHT, FLIGHT AND FREEZE.
I also believe it’s a complete erasure of self.
Think about it: You’re living your life for other, not for you. Maybe you’ve been taught to feel guilty, selfish or ashamed of having needs, wants and desires. I have.
This dysfunctional pattern of relating was the inspiration for my best selling digital journal, This is My Life because I was sick and tired. This journal creates space for you to record your daily habits to check in and make sure you’re prioritising yourself because this sh1t is sneaky.
Honestly, it is!
You will suddenly drift or find yourself wrapped up in somebody’s drama. If you’re a parent, you’ll make everything about your children, to the point where you’re all consumed and there isn’t any space left for you.
Naturally, you’ll want to return to your old protective coping strategies. You’ll find yourself scrolling, or standing at the fridge thinking ‘What can I eat?” Maybe you’ll reach for the wine but regardless, you’re trying to block out pain - emotional pain and discomfort from putting yourself first.
You’ve been doing this since you were a child.
That’s what you’ve been conditioned to do. That’s a long time, right? So go steady and be patient with yourself - it’s not going to change over night. Your body may also resist the change because it doesn’t feel safe to heal.
However, it can be healed with what Lindsey Lockett refers to as ‘micro-dosing safety’.
Micro dosing safety are teeny tiny actions that validate your existence and show your nervous system that you’re safe to put yourself first. Or in other words expanding your window of tolerance.
Of course, your mind knows that you won’t get punished or hurt for putting yourself first, but your nervous system doesn’t understand words, it understands patterns, and it’s still wired to feel afraid until we heal it….slowly.
Please understand, none of this is your fault, and it’s more empowering to see that you do have a choice - sometimes from minute to minute where you can choose you.
Remember start small, go SLOW.
Here are some examples of micro-dosing safety:
If you find it hard to say no, try saying, ‘Can I get back to you..’
If you weren’t able to have that tricky conversation, journal what you wish you could have said
If you’re an over explainer - leave a 3-second pause before jumping to fill silences
Practical Ways to Choose Yourself
Remember: You don’t need to be chosen. You choose yourself—over and over, in tiny, courageous ways.
I have two things to help you explore this more deeply:
In the following 45-minute audio, I deep dive into 11 practical ways that I am finally choosing me. Choosing yourself isn’t selfish—it’s the foundation for authentic living. You’ll hear me talk about examples of making small (micro) decisions each day in favour of my well-being. This is how we heal, reparent our inner child, and embrace who we really are.
I’m also going to share with you 20 journal prompts so you can spend some time in worthwhile contemplation. Each one of the following journal prompts is crafted to help you dive deeper into self-reflection and self-discovery, rooted in themes like reparenting, boundaries, values, and inner child work. It will help you see where your blocks are.
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