Is estrangement necessary for healing?
You cannot heal in the place that made you sick, but is cutting ties with your family the only way to heal?
Estrangement seems to be dirty word. Shrouded in shame with an underlying judgement for having the audacity to bite the hand that feeds you. At the very least, estrangement is a largely misunderstood word which doesn’t convey the complexities of family relationships, the years of conflict, abuse and neglect, the constant attempts at reconciliation, and the deep pain which runs beneath it.
Do you have a tricky parent? I prefer the word tricky to toxic, but mostly these parents are emotionally immature. They sulk and have tantrums if they can’t get their way. You must always put them first and you do! You’ve been conditioned to put yourself last.
Think of a toddler trapped inside an adult body.
Yes! Let’s call them chadults.
Chadults feel entitled to do as they please regardless of your needs and wants. That’s if you even know what you need, or if in deed you are aware that you’re allowed to have them.
Chadults hate boundaries because it means they cannot pop by unannounced or be privy to all the personal details of your life. Perhaps they criticise your weight and life choices, or don’t respect your personal space. How dare they! Or how dare you for even making a fuss about it.
Chadults give you the silent treatment for weeks on end and then text out of the blue inviting you over for a roast dinner as if nothing has happened. They are always right and if you dare mention that they hurt your feelings, they spin it all around and quickly become the victim. ‘How can you be so cruel? After all I’ve done for you.’
The truth is Chadults aren’t interested in resolution
Resolution would mean being accountable for their disgusting behaviour. Resolution would mean having an open and honest conversation. If you ever pluck up the courage to confront them, they will act confused and tell you they can’t remember. You see, they like to control the narrative - the one where they are the victim and you are the villain. It keeps you on your toes. Yes, I know: you’re exhausted. Hypervigilant to their every facial expression and deep sigh, you are given the role of emotional care taker (read: emotional dustbin) and must take responsibility for all their bad moods, failures and disappointments.
Somehow it’s always your fault when you aren’t doing and saying exactly what they want you to do. Except they don’t tell you what that is. No. That would be far too easy. They expect you to mindread. Maybe that’s where my strong intuition comes from. I’ve been telepathic from about the age of three.