Are you a Wildheart or a misunderstood INFJ?

Here’s why I think you’re wonderful and not weird!

Apparently, INFJ is the rarest (only 1–3% of the population) of the personality types identified by the Myers-Briggs test (MBTI). Often known as the idealist or the advocate, you’re an intuitive introvert with extraverted feelings — the stuff perceptive counsellors are made of. It’s a rare combination of emotion and logic. You’re a practical visionary that doesn’t just dream — you make it happen!

As an INFJ, some would say I’m contrary or difficult. I would argue that I’m complex with many layers. Those who take the time to get to know me, slowly see what lies beneath the surface.

Today, however, is a little different. I want to bravely share my inner world with you. I’m going to list some of the ways being an INFJ manifests in my life in the hope that it helps you to feel seen and understood.

Growing up was a worrisome and lonely time. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. So if you’re feeling worried, weird or alone with it, you can let go of that and step into the wonderfulness that is you!

You have an excess of empathy. My decade of working with children came very naturally to me because I could easily put myself in their little shoes. If you’re an educator, healer, therapist or parent, beautiful things happen when you meet a child in this space. I’ve learnt how to protect and preserve my energy, as constantly connecting with everybody in this way is exhausting and often leads to burn out.

You feel the toxicity and inauthenticity of social media. I don’t do small talk or fear-mongering mainstream media. I’m deep and that surface-skatery nonsense literally hurts my head. That’s probably also why I love Substack. When COVID-19 hit England, I refused to get swept up in all that drama on Fakebook. As soon as I clicked the app on my phone, I could feel the fear frenzy and quickly clicked away.

You’re intuitive, but maybe you don’t always trust it. When I was a child, I lived in a very emotionally volatile house where lots of things went unsaid or were hidden. I had a deep knowing when something wasn’t right. It’s likely I was born highly intuitive, but keeping myself safe growing up strengthened it.

I taught anxious INFJ children (I call them Wildhearts) - and now I teach adults - to protect themselves by going within and listening to their intuition. This is their gift or superpower. When they are connected to that part of them, they can keep themselves safe and make good decisions. They are very much ‘feelers’ or ‘sensers’ and can quickly become unhappy or anxious when disconnected from their intuition.

You can feel other people’s feelings. Some people may say I have an excess of empathy and a lack of emotional boundaries. I remember one day, after a coaching session, my neck started to hurt. My next client rang the doorbell and as I went downstairs to open the door, I noticed that my neck was stiff and I couldn’t turn my head. I opened the door and there on the doorstep appeared my next client in a neck brace! I have often felt sick or tired before client sessions too and turned up only to find I’ve taken on the feelings of my client.

You’re highly sensitive. Have you been called ‘oversensitive’ by insensitive types? Yeah I know, they don’t understand. I live life through my heart too. Some people think it’s a curse and the world is a harsh place. It’s only that way if you don’t know how to tap into it, protect it and use it to give your life meaning and purpose.

You seek deeper meaning and purpose to everything. I find patterns in things which appear to be totally unrelated. I see pictures in clouds and hear messages in music. I often talk in metaphors and I give feelings colours or density.

I remember questioning coincidences before I read ‘The Celestine Prophecy’. This was the first book that opened me up to the subtle realms of the energy world. The intricate web of connectedness fascinates me. Everything happens for a reason and that the people we meet and life’s experiences teach us what we need to grow.

You’re a little bit psychic! I often think of people and then they will contact me. Sometimes clients pop into my head and I think, ‘I wonder how so and so is?’ Then they will email or text to book an appointment.

You hate liars! My BS radar is fierce. For years, I blocked it. I didn’t want to believe that people were lying to me. The truth is everybody lies and more often than not, they lie to protect you or to protect themselves. Some people find the truth too painful. I think in the long run, it sets you free.

You defend the underdog. A responsible, eldest daughter, I never thought twice about putting myself in front of my siblings or taking on the wrath of my Mother. I often wonder if that’s why I have the most difficult relationship with her. They witnessed but didn’t experience her intense and terrifying anger. To this day, this runs through my work with vulnerable children and if an adult is misusing their power, I will put my foot down.

You’re a warrior for peace. I once believed that everything is figureoutable (thanks Marie Forleo), but I’ve learnt that if the other person is looking for conflict and drama, it isn’t. Some people just want drama and they thrive off your pain. I may passionately fight for what is morally good — my values are centred around love. Whilst my fight is strong, and it can get ugly, it comes from wanting to make peace.

You’re conflict-averse. I can see all sides of an argument which with toxic types means I let them off the hook or make excuses for them. I’m hugely overwhelmed by conflict, but as I’ve said, I pick my battles and will fight the good fight.

You see the good in everybody. I see the world with childlike wonder and am definitely an old fashioned romantic. When Hallmark movie season comes around, I’m right there in my PJs with salted caramel ice cream ready to inhale that schmaltzy boy meets girl predictable storyline. That said, if somebody continually pushes me a little too far, I’m done. I’m often done in my mind way before I physically leave the relationship. That’s because of the next one.

You hate goodbyes. Endings are equally as overwhelming and just too sad. I’ve stayed with wrong’uns way past their sell-by date. I’m back and forth in my mind examining it from all the sides. I’m the one saying: ‘You hang up!’….’No! You hang up!

You’re deeply moved and inspired by music. When I wrote my book, Stuck Between Two Worlds there was significant press around Michael Jackson and the ‘Leaving Neverland’ documentary. I went on an obsessive detective hunt in search of the truth. Whilst down dark rabbit holes, learning about the evil underbelly of Hollywood, I revisited MJ’s music and found myself sobbing to ‘All the Lost Children’, ‘Heal the World’ and ‘You Are Not Alone’.

‘When you want to be close to me, listen to the music. The love is stored in there and will not die.’ Michael Jackson

I connected to that energy and was inspired to get my story out and finish the book. I know I’m not the only one.

You’d make a good detective. Hyper aware of my environment, nothing gets past me. A Jessica Fletcher wannabe, I notice all the little details. It’s tiring feeling constantly switched on to external stimuli. I pay attention to that which is not said or is hidden in the room. This comes in handy with my work because as clients share their story, I get a strong sense of what their inner world looks like, either in pictures or words. When I first started working with kids, I thought I was just over-identifying or connecting to their story, but as I got more experienced, I realised that it was my strong intuition at play.

Your powerful intuition is picking up messages all the time. There is a subtle energy realm which you can read about in Judith Orloff's book ‘Emotional Freedom’. Often when I’m in the shower I get good ideas for my work, hear songs or receive messages of what I need to know. This also happens when I’m out walking in nature or pottering about my home. I’m in a relaxed state and this is how I access my intuition.

You are allergic to strong smells, loud noises and busy crowds. One of the negative impacts of growing up in an abusive environment means I live with C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and PTSD. I’m often triggered into fight-flight (survival mode) by loud noises which seem to vibrate right through my body. I can’t bear screaming ambulance sirens, leaf blowers, jackhammers and roaring motorbikes.

I’ve even been known to leave a shop when confronted with an inconsolable, screaming baby. My weekend from hell would be at a noisy festival, away from home with loud music and smelly, sweaty, drunk, drug-fuelled people. When I feel overwhelmed, you’ll find me safely snuggled up underneath my soft fur blankie. Call me a boring snowflake if you must, but staying at home with my books and journal for a carpet picnic in my pyjamas is totally my thing.

You’re very creative but may be unaware of how much. Once I was MJ-inspired, writing my book was easy. In 30 days, it poured out of me onto the page, taking on a life of its own. This is sometimes called ‘channelling’ or ‘intuitive art’ when you are the channel and the words or artwork comes through you.

Creativity is a massive part of how I connect with my intuition. The book tells the story of how I overcame my anxiety and anger in childhood and learnt to tune into my intuition and trust myself.

INFJs prefer written over the spoken word. The overwhelm of conflict means I prefer to text or email instead of talking it through. I really enjoy the sanctuary of alone time to write. Journaling using Oracle cards was a big part of my healing process. I had time and a quiet space to hear the voice of my ever-present and guiding intuition.

You’re a lifelong learner and book worm. My homage to books, which I credit for saving my sanity, is my custom-made book nook in the corner of my living room. Books for many are a refuge from the chaotic, busy world, and the education they provide is invaluable.

Knowledge is power so they say and books symbolise hope, the promise of change and better days to come. I’ve spoken to many people who have found comfort in the papery goodness of books when they’ve been going through a life crisis or Dark Night of the Soul.

You have a big heart and you care deeply. I’m infinitely passionate about helping kids find their own kind of happy. Not a day goes by, when I’m not thinking or doing something about it. I am an Aquarian — the idealistic, humanitarian who wants to make a difference to the world. I’m driven by justice for all the kids who grow up without love, safety and belonging.

In my quest for championing children’s rights to emotional safety, I am frequently reminded by my mentors and role models of The Star Thrower by Loren C. Eiseley.

One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean. Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?” The youth replied, “Throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.”

“Son,” the man said, “don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can’t make a difference!”

After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said…”I made a difference for that one.”

People come to you with their problems. Before I become a professional, my address book was full of lame ducks, addictive boyfriends and people, who like me, were lost souls. I learnt very soon that not all lame ducks want to be ‘fixed’, some of them are happy to limp around and live in their story. Whilst our big hearts may be drawn to soothe their pain, they have to want that for themselves first.

You need alone time to recharge. Introverts recharge in this way. They are not weird, antisocial loners. Extroverts recharge by being around people and that’s their prerogative. I think we’ve established my home is my castle and this is where you’ll find me, but if I am leaving the house it’s to be in the lush greenery of calming nature or by water. I wonder how many INFJs love water?

As a child, I developed a bedtime habit of washing my feet. At the time, it could have been seen as a maladaptive coping mechanism for my anxiety, but intuitively my body felt grounded with this nighttime ritual. Now I bathe in Epsom salts when I feel off kilter and that instantly soothes and rebalances.

If you’re reading this and nodding your head, I’m so glad to have connected with you and helped you to see yourself in all your magnificence. I think understanding ourselves in this way means we’re able to give others permission to do the same.

Think of it this way: we’ll have a new generation of INFJs who can be happy and comfortable in their own skin. The key is to accept and embrace all that you are despite your quirks and differences. Everybody has them and it’s our differences that make the world a colourful place. Trust yourself and that powerful intuition which is an absolute gift if you create time and space to listen.

You are not weird but truly wonderful.