The year I remembered I had gumption

Looking back on 2024 - an honest life review.

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“I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood.

And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.”

- Iris Simpkins, The Holiday

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As we close out the year, I’ve taken this quote from one of the most famous seasonal rom-coms, The Holiday. Not because it is my favourite Christmas movie (I’ve watched it three times already this month), but because it succinctly sums up my Wildheart adventures in 2024. I totally resonate with Iris Simpkins’ quest for self-worth and recognition as she struggles to find her voice and stand up for herself.

To fall out of love with Jasper, her rogue ex-boyfriend, Iris (Kate Winslet) swaps homes with Amanda (Cameron Diaz), and travels from Surrey to California where she meets Arthur Abbott, a 90-year old screenwriter. Arthur encourages Iris to be ‘the leading lady of her own life’ by having what he calls ‘gumption’.

Spoiler alert: Iris eventually dumps Jasper, and to repay Arthur’s kindness, Iris helps him build strength and confidence to accept an award for his phenomenal work and contribution to Hollywood. Iris and Arthur’s friendship is mutually healing, as they inspire one another to move forward with their lives, instead of staying in toxic situations where they felt stuck and alone.

My 2024 was a wild ride. I was stuck in a toxic place, but I didn’t know I was, until my whole world was tipped upside down. Looking back, I was alone but felt happier (and safer) this way because being with people had somehow become overwhelming and exhausting.

Thankfully, it didn’t take me too long to go from being ejected from what had become my comfort zone, to turn my life around and course correct. And that’s because …

I have gumption.

And, so do you!

Trauma survivors underestimate how much resilience and courage they have to keep trying, even when life feels impossible. Maybe nobody has ever told you that and you’re hearing it for the first time. The truth of the matter is:

You’ve done the hard bit.

If you survived a childhood raised by neglectful, irresponsible, immature or abusive parents, you can survive anything!

As I sit here writing to you, I feel joy and immense thanks for 2024. Nothing much has changed on the outside - there is still the same chaos reigning around me. My home is encased in scaffolding, my piggy bank is empty (I have enough to live). My business has crumbled, as it needed to, and I’m confident from the ashes something new and more aligned will appear.

The good news: I have new friends, a new job and my mental health is strong. I feel lighter and brighter. Not to mention, my creativity is on fire - I’ve just finished writing another book, and my heart is set on becoming a writer.

So…..what happened?

I stopped waiting for a miracle, or a sign, or hoping that something would change. I stopped relying on unreliable people, and I relied on myself. I have always been able to trust me, but I had been conditioned not to. I had been repeatedly gaslit from a young age to doubt my own thoughts and feelings.

Yes! I was the person I’d been waiting for. I did an Iris Simpkins.

Iris gets her gumption moment rejecting Jasper. She's self-actualized, the same way Amanda is self-actualized the moment she cries for the first time since her parents got divorced.

I prioritised, validated, accepted, and empowered myself. I was scared and I cried a lot, but I’m still here to share it with you. Even better, now I’m ready, with a huge smile on my face and renewed hope in my heart, to step into the next chapter of my life.

First of all, though, I had to figure out:

• The lies I believed about myself that were holding me back

• Where I had lost my power

• My blind spots - what my life was trying to show me but I couldn’t see

• Where I was neglecting myself and how I could change that

And I also had to:

• Raise my standards (set boundaries) to protect my time and energy

• Stop making other people’s opinions more valid and important than my own

• Surrender and trust that the Universe had a much better plan for me

And none of that could happen until I scraped my arse on an all time rock bottom (not the first time) after ignoring my intuition, and the mental anquish that screamed burnout from a dark corner of my soul.

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To help write this post, I used my Honest Life Review Digital Journal. I made it as a thank you and Christmas gift for my members. To get your copy which includes 30 journal prompts for self-reflection, become a member of The Intuitive Writer simply upgrade to paid, or go to lisaparkes.substack.com/subscribe and sign up.

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Honest Life Review Highlights

By Lisa Parkes

2024 felt like starting again, but it wasn’t. My old life had to go because I abandoned and edited myself to exist. It was a total drain on my energy and that’s because anything built on trauma responses is like squirty cream - it will evaporate quickly before your very eyes. 2024 was about healing the same old patterns and wounds on a deeper level, so I could build my life on a more solid foundation.

Let’s review it together …

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Lesson 1: Nothing Has To Be Perfect

In 2023, the flat I own became a building site. Overnight, the Freeholder sold the building to property developers who began building two additional floors for twelve new flats. I’ve been peacefully living in chaos for 18 months now.

• Old me would have catastrophised and panicked but I didn’t want to waste my energy on something I had no control over.

• Old me would have been terrified of threatening demands and late payment charges for outrageous maintenance invoices to the tune of £3.5k. I mean, come on! How do you maintain a building site?

• Old me wouldn’t have been able to cope with no roof in the winter, mould on the walls, or waking up to hammering and drilling every morning (except Sundays) at 8am.

• Old me would have been shocked and scared to have my safe space invaded. I was recovering from complex post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). I’d been living like a hermit and working from home long before COVID had descended upon us.

Yet somehow I managed to stay calm and trust that it would all work out okay. And that’s when I realised that I wasn’t ’old me’ anymore. She had gone and it was time to come out of my cocoon and find my way in the real world once again.

Lesson 2: Social media dysregulates my nervous system

For the last two years I’ve complained constantly about social media and how it didn’t work for my business. I previously wrote about phone addiction here. Anything I complain about on the daily (read: moan and rant) is where I lack boundaries.

It turns out that scrolling on my phone is not only feeding my celebrity drama addiction, (which mirrors the chaos I grew up in), but it’s also how I’m attempting to self-soothe. I don’t need to tell you that this is not a healthy coping strategy. It’s actually the freeze trauma response which cuts me off from my body, takes me up into my head, and numbs me out from my feelings.

In July, I took all social media apps off my phone, I deleted Facebook and started to read before I went to sleep. I also joined Substack and ploughed all my energy into my writing. I’m so much happier for it and I’ve just finished writing my second book which is amazing seeing as write as my word of the year. 👇

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Lesson 3: I started trusting myself & my experience

I am the Queen of polishing the turd. You know, when the sh1t hits the fan (sorry for all the poo analogies), I am your little ray of sunshine making it all look sweet and rosy again. Glitter, smiles, hugs, jazz hands. I’ve got them all.

Surprise, surprise! This was another coping strategy from childhood where I would pretend I was okay, even when my body was saying something very different. I would eat on my feelings, stuff them down, doubt and ignore them, just to keep the peace or other people happy.

Did you ever seen that episode with Ross from Friends?

Again, I would fly up into my head and play mental ping pong - is it really that bad? Yes it is, no it isn’t. Did they really mean it that way? Yes they did. No they didn’t. If I had listened to my body, I would have saved myself so much time and energy in situations which didn’t serve me at all.

I’m fine. If I don’t have any needs, everything will be FINE.

Except it wasn’t because I do have needs, and I wasn’t fine. Eventually the smell of sh1t became unbearable and I couldn’t deny my reality any longer. My life wasn’t working and it was hurting me - mostly in my wallet because, the truth is I wasn’t going to feel it anywhere else was I?

It’s also worth nothing that sometimes the most loving and kind thing to do is to let people sit in their own sh1t. It isn’t on you, or me to make it right. We are not responsible for other people’s lives or messes. This year I switched the focus from being permanently tuned in to other people’s feelings, wants and needs, to be with my own.

It’s safe for me to feel my feelings. It’s safe for me to be in my body. It’s safe for me to trust myself. It’s safe for me to have needs. It’s safe for me to ask for what I want. It’s safe for me to let go of anything I cannot control.

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Lesson 4: I stopped blaming myself

Often, this is how the dialogue went in my head after I’d repeatedly asked somebody to do something, or to stop doing something, and they ignored me.

Oh dear. No response. Maybe it’s me? Perhaps I should have tried harder. I should have used different words, or changed my tone of voice. Perhaps I didn’t send the message, and I’ll send it again but say it in a different way.

Always questioning myself and making myself wrong. No. No. No!! Some people are committed to misunderstanding you.

I am responsible for what I say but if people don’t know how to communicate like adults, there is no need to baby them, or to convince them to change. Sometimes it’s not you, people are avoidant or busy or whatever…but it’s not you!

‘Don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm’ is the best mantra for the overly responsible and over giving amongst us. This year was the year that I decided I was going to use my simmering resentment, and passive aggressive sarcasm as warning signals from my body to set boundaries with myself and STOP ENABLING sh1tty behaviour from ‘grown-ups’.

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Lesson 5: I must repeatedly choose myself

Another coping strategy from childhood, where I had to befriend a very unsafe parent to keep them happy. It was my therapist who pointed out that I didn’t have to be everybody’s friend (especially the people I don’t like…yes I was doing that!) When you type it out, it sounds weird but it’s true.

This year, I learned that connection with myself first - to my body, my thoughts, my feelings, my desires, my boundaries and my truth before connection with others is actually how I keep my self safe.

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Lesson 6: Prioritising myself

I had always put my business above everything, but it was making me sick and financially bankrupt. May I be as brave to say that I hid behind my business. I was always available for people who could barely show up for themselves. I used them as an excuse. If I was overly concerned and fixated on them, I was avoiding myself. It wasn’t their fault, but they also weren’t my responsibility. I looked at my part in it and realised that these people were reflecting back to me where I neglected and abandoned myself. I had to learn to be available to me and put myself first without feeling guilty.

In the summer I got myself a job as a Sales Assistant at a local gift shop, followed by another one in September as a Learning Support Assistant at my local college. It was time to show up for me and put my needs wants and desires first.

I’m taking this new way of being into 2025, where I am committed to focusing my energy on my heart’s desires. I am also committed to slowing down and resting.

I wonder how many people will stick around? We’ll see. It’s definitely different now because I know that I’d rather lose them than keep on abandoning myself.

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Giving Thanks

I love Substack and have enjoyed starting all over again with you. I’ve met so many lovely people. I want to say thank you to those of you that are still here and supporting my work. Whether you’re a free subscriber who shares my work with your loved ones and comments on my posts, or you’re a paid member who is diving into the nitty gritty, your support means the world to me.

I also want to thank my nearest and dearest for all your love and support (you know who you are). Not forgetting, Moe - a little bundle of unconditional love in a fur coat that I’m blessed to have in my life.

Oh, and thank you to my new colleagues at the college and gift shop. You’ve made me feel so welcome, been incredibly encouraging and helped me remember that I have gumption. It’s given me the confidence to keep on keeping on.

I hope you’ve had a lovely year, dear Wildheart. Feel free to share your experiences or anything which resonates in the comments below.

If you’d like to review your year with me, I’d invite you to download your copy of My Honest Life Review Digital Journal, or book a private session.

Until next time, I wish you every health and happiness for the new year and beyond.

Love

PS. If you enjoyed this post, please click on the heart at the bottom or the top of this email. It helps others discover The Intuitive Writer and makes me happy!

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